Today I ran across a post on Facebook by a prominent person in the Black LGBT community here in Houston that works in HIV prevention. It was triggering and full of HIV Stigma (pictured left), disappointed is an understatement to say the least. Living with HIV as I do, the concern is that there are those who have been diagnosed and refuse to get care because of shit like this. There are people who don't get tested because of this type of shit. This picture has been the subject of investigation and debunked by Snopes, a popular fact checking site.
Before I share the information posted on snopes, here are some FACTS:
#HIVFact - HIV stands for human immunodeficiency virus.
#HIVFact - HIV is found in semen including pre cum, blood, vaginal and anal fluids, and breast milk. HIV cannot be transmitted through sweat, saliva or urine.
* Only certain fluids—blood, semen (cum), pre-seminal fluid (pre-cum), rectal fluids, vaginal fluids, and breast milk—from an HIV-infected person can transmit HIV. These fluids must come in contact with a mucous membrane or damaged tissue or be directly injected into the bloodstream (from a needle or syringe) for transmission to possibly occur. Mucous membranes can be found inside the rectum, the vagina, the opening of the penis, and the mouth.
In the United States, HIV is spread mainly by
Having sex with someone who has HIV. In general:
- Anal sex
- Vaginal sex
- Having multiple sex partners or having other sexually transmitted infections can increase the risk of infection through sex.
#HIVFact - Seroconversion is the period of time during which HIV antibodies develop and become detectable.
*- Seroconversion is the period of time during which HIV antibodies develop and become detectable.
- Seroconversion generally takes place within a few weeks of initial infection.
- It is often, but not always, accompanied by flu-like symptoms including fever, rash, muscle aches and swollen lymph nodes. These symptoms are not a reliable way to identify seroconversion or to diagnose HIV infection.
#HIVFact - HIV is a VIRUS that can lead to AIDS which is a SYNDROME.
*stands for human immunodeficiency virus. It is the virus that can lead to acquired immunodeficiency syndrome, or AIDS. Unlike some other viruses, the human body cannot get rid of HIV. That means that once you have HIV, you have it for life.
#HIVFact - AIDS stands for acquired immune deficiency syndrome.
#HIVFact - AIDS is diagnosed when the immune system of a person diagnosed with HIV becomes severely compromised.
*HIV disease becomes AIDS when your immune system is seriously damaged. If you have less than 200 CD4+ cells or if your CD4 percentage is less than 14%, you have AIDS.
#HIVFact - There is NO SUCH THING as "full blown AIDS." Stop saying that crap!
#HIVFact - CD4 cells are white blood cells that help to keep us healthy and play a role in protecting our immune system.
Below is the post that I am talking about running across, I am highly conflicted about sharing these screenshots. But people's lives are at play here and someone in his particular line of work needs to be more thoughtful about what he posts. MOST of the people who work in Houston HIV prevention are HIV negative, which is problematic as fuck...I dont know Jovuan's status and its no one's business.
Take a look for yourselves:
"Panic and ignorance leads people to believe an urban legend about "HIV blood filled needles" being inserted in gas pumps. HIV cannot be transmitted this way because it cannot live outside the body! Also, where is the source coming from? Newsflash, if it's coming from Worldstar Hip Hop it's probably fake! Plus, false stories like this push a ridiculous narrative about the ways HIV is contracted while ignoring the fact that HIV is a manageable condition if one adheres to medication. Undetectable equals non transmittable. If we continue to post stuff like this, people will continue to feel ashamed about getting tested. I for one am tired of seeing young gay, particularly black men, still dying from complications to AIDS, especially when HIV is not a death sentence anymore. Let me find out some of you still think you can still catch it from a handshake or eating off the same plate as a poz person.
#fuckstigma #notonemore" - Graham Maio
Far too often those who work in the #HIV prevention field take on this attitude that they can do no wrong and that is a dangerous standard. Not seeing the error of your ways without being held accountable stops now. If you work in health care, regardless of the entity, you became responsible to those you signed on to play whatever roles that may exist in the field of HIV prevention and treatment. I have said it before and I will say it again...."To be honest, when dealing with HIV outside and within the Black community, stigma has a stronghold. The lack of HIV 101 plays a large part in why stigma is such a huge issue, it is saddening. It is one of the reasons that I came out of the HIV closet, which was for everyone who has been ostracized and made to feel nasty."
Today I read a piece written by popular Atheist Matthew O'Neil entitled, "It's Time to Stop Advocating for Violence." As I read through the numbered disclaimer...
"1) If someone its in a position of being threatened, in whatever way that may come, they should have every right to defend themselves.
2) People come from different backgrounds, which means they have experiences that I likely have never faced and will not fully understand.
3) I acknowledge that I am a privileged individual that has not know such circumstances, and am incredibly fortunate as a consequence.
With all this being said, I want to proceed with the main thesis of this article: People shouldn't be assaulted because they hold beliefs that you disagree with."
... I grew concerned that I was reading another tone policing piece of garbage written by another person privileged with whiteness. My concerns were correct! As most white people do when they are tone policing, Matthew tries to be polite and acts as if he is truly helpful or sincere about what he is about to say. The Fact is that there is nothing helpful or sincere in telling those who are marginalized that:
"If there is a person who says things like "homosexuality is unnatural," "whites are the superior race," or "a woman's place is in the home and not in the workplace," you should not assault them. This includes punching. Because punching is assault. And assault is illegal. And illegal things can land you in jail, which means a criminal record, and will end up damaging more than just your opportunity to be free. It means being put into a criminal justice system that will ruin your life."
You don't get to tell us how we process the experiences of our blackness or any other forms of marginalization for that matter. You can keep that white gaze bullshit to yourself. We reserve the right to react in any ways we damn well please. Using Richard Spencer and his assault as an example of how one should and should not react does not make it ok for any white person to tell a Black person how to act. We have been assaulted, raped, lynched, kidnapped, enslaved, burned and robbed throughout the entire history of this country. So if you and the other offspring of slave masters who wish for us to be peaceful while people like Spencer who advocates for "peaceful ethnic cleansing and denouncing Jews, homosexuality, and other minority groups".... you are terribly mistaken!
"What are the consequences? He asked as I rolled my eyes into oblivion. once my eyes completed their roll, O'neil lists Spencer's threat of self protection for him and his alt - right goons. NEWSFLASH: Most states are open carry and the idea some big truck driving, well suited piece of white racist trash will be on site with an automatic rifle or side arm is not farfetched. Have you not heard of Trayvon Martin and his murderer George Zimmerman?! Consequence? What are the consequences of white people just shutting the hell up, recognizing their privilege and paying reparations?! The only consequences that I suspect would occur are the ones that white folks should be subject to. But, you want us to be docile in the face of threats that you have never faced Matthew.
But I digress, for too long we've had to go along with what white folks have told us about who we were are, and should be. White people should be lining up to be accomplices and at points that means self sacrifice. When O'Neil cited the the horrible incident in Portland, Oregon it pissed me off even more, because there are countless incidents like this that go unreported. They go unreported because we dont like to call the police when we are victimized, generally the police will answer the call and make things worse. Police tend to think the victim is the one who committed the crime, we don't call the police because our lives would be endangered. So you and that spokesman from SPLC can kiss our collective Black ass.
While placing emphasis on the fact that any violent actions from a marginalized group towards their oppressors may give their oppressors media attention, empower them and even arm them, O'Neil never considers that when we act.... We were pushed to that point and pretty much are out of fucks to give. To make things worse he cites the Women's Suffrage movement to support his tone policing claims that nonviolence. It is typical of white people in general and white men specifically, to want those who have experienced the violence of marginalization to be calm when demanding equity and justice. Peace is the "best route for marginalized folks" he says or we risk looking "violent and irrational."
THEN, he cites the Civil Rights movement! This was highly insulting as white folks always refer to this period in the movement for Black lives to tone police, misquote and refer to Dr. King as the template. We did not "find more success through non violent measures" alone! Let Black folks be and decide how we will best address you, your skin cousins and without your redundant suggestions...
"The bottom line is this: History has shown that violence is less effective than non-violence in producing positive, progressive outcomes. Yes, there has been violence, but it has accomplished little if anything if history is to be believed. Punching someone is assault and is illegal. Want to spend time in jail and ruin your life because you disagreed with someone? Assaulting someone will do that. Also, the racists and Nazis are arming themselves now and apparently aren't afraid to take lives.
Don't go to jail. Don't lose your life. Don't. Fucking. Punch. Nazis."
Here is the real bottom line, you seem to have this need, a need to have a say in how we handle our oppression. Your words seem to lend to your white privilege that say you have to have a say, to give permission in order for our actions, words and thoughts to have weight or be deemed violent or irrational. History tell us and the current climate continues to tell us that Black people are violent and irrational any damn way, we are automatically criminalized for or Blackness. Because you lack the ability to see our experience, it is important to understand that your white opinion is not the one that matters. It must be noted that we say what we say and do what we want to do without need of your acceptance or approval.
We are trying too hard to play by rules intended to subjugate our Black bodies only to get crumbs in return. We want a piece of the pie from a system that arose on the sweat and blood of our ancestors through colonization, enslavement, and financial oppression. We clamor for respect, and equality or the acknowledgment of said equality. The truth is that, in theory we are equal because we have the tools to build our own table where we make decisions for ourselves without seeking approval from the dominant group. In reality we are not equal, not if we have to avoid calling White folks out on their privilege at the risk of no longer being invited to the party or their table. When will we wake up to that fact that so - call opportunities from people who claim to be allies come with a price, with rules that challenge our very integrity???
It starts the moment that we stop being the Black friend that they claim, when we call them out on their White privilege and bullshit. Usually, this is by someone unafraid to be shut out and sadly some of us shun those people to keep our positions at the table of white supremacy. This is an unfortunate thing, but we will have to look passed them and keep our eyes on th the prize. When building our tables, rented negros or coons will most likely be the gatekeepers who block in various ways and at every turn. Now, this is not intended to question one's Blackness, but I have to wonder, ask, and repeatedly go over in my mind why my Black people can't see that if we rise up against the mainstream collectively from our own lanes, that we wouldn't have to worry about "keeping White people happy to get what we want." Of course it isn't that simple, We have respectability politics as one of our biggest obstacles...
"We have the RIGHT to ask questions of not only the dominant group (White folks), but we CAN & SHOULD question folks within our own ranks. usually the response to questions and gripes include getting defensive, brushing off, and subsequently degrading the person and inquiry."
Respectability politics can kill, it has killed and will kill countless Black folks who are told that they cannot be themselves. We automatically start by devaluing ourselves within our own community of orientation, the Black community. It is as if we are fulfilling the crabs in a barrel stereotype, like we are in a forced competition with ourselves. Respectability politics reinforces tone policing, sexism, hate, fear and a host of other redundancies that hold us back as a collective. We can't express anger, have to dress a certain way and present an overall image that will improve things just enough for us to work three times harder in order to be twice as good as our White counterparts. This is so contradictory to me that we as Black people in general are automatically groomed in that manner and then achieve some level of success only to be told not to be too expressive or too intersectional. We become shells of ourselves, one dimensional to the point that we even view our own intelligence as a threat to ourselves and others.
We are talented beyond binaries.
We are intersectional beings that are unique and we must be respected for it! Respectability politics needs to die a swift death, so that we can thrive and not just survive. It needs to die because unsolicited directives about how we should express our individuality is no longer acceptable. This is where we have to cease the tone policing and disrespectfully crossing boundaries that don't need to be crossed. The need to "play the game" has long passed its prime, we simply need to walk to the beat of our own drum and celebrate differences. We can still be unified, unique and learn from others with different perspectives. If we shake the fear of things outside of our social norms that have been instilled within us by respectability politics, we can then listen actively and learn something new about ourselves.
Lets start by building our own tables, and having much needed internal dialog without white interference.
Here in the United States, poor and marginalized people are forced to adhere to rich and privileged folk’s concepts of “being responsible”. But wealthy, privileged people are accountable to no one because of their standing.
Because we are sold the narrative that working harder and smarter guarantees economic success, we begin to believe that those who don’t have wealth are less than deserving (lazier), and even less intelligent. Meanwhile as those in power continue to fail at being truly responsible, we suffer.
One problem with this false notion of upward mobility is that privilege, oppression, exploitation, discrimination, etc. exist, and has created what we have now: A situation where those who are oppressed fight for their humanity and dignity to be recognized, while those who are in “power” truly believe that circumstances of need are created by lack of personal responsibility. (Paternalism and the ability to see their own individual personal vices)
This reflects in the creation of horrible, oppressive policies meant to shock us into picking ourselves up by the bootstraps (or maybe just to keep opposition at bay). The line is blurred (to me) in terms of whether this is willful blindness or cognitive dissonance. Even in the few instances where some degree of education would fix a problem, there is no intention to provide it because there is no incentive.
So what do we do about it?
Racism is not what people think it is, racism is not limited to the white man draped in a klan outfit. It is much more systemic and insidious than that, it is a learned behavior that needs to be addressed. With that said, I had a meeting with Irwin Palchick and Jon Humphries from Houston Splash at Irwin's restaurant Jimmy Chew Asian Kitchen on Westheimer. I attended this meeting because everyone deserves a chance to have their side heard and that is exactly what happened. I sat and listened to Irwin speak and what struck me about the conversation is that he felt that it was COMPLETELY okay to say "nigger" in front of me and Jon. He explained that what he said was in the "heat of the moment," that he was hit across the face and had a "bloody nose." As he explained this, he heavily emphasized that it was in the privacy of his office and implied strongly that he should be able to say what he wants as long as it is not in a public setting.
Nevertheless, he admitted to making the statement after denying it:
Even with this admission that I originally planned not to share until a recording of a call after our meeting came to my attention... Before I share that you should know that there were several things that struck me as problematic and typical of any white person when in denial about their racism. Racism is a learned behavior that goes deeper than the N-word, it is something that our society is built on. The last thing we should do is attack someone for calling that type of thing out, I am not even here to demonize Irwin. BUT, lessons must be taught and learned to people who feel that is okay to not see the error of their ways. Irwin said several, very typical things:
- "I love my Blacks, I love my Asians, I love my Hispanic and I even have an Asian partner..." I am sure that he does, but the ownership that one takes in human beings is odd.
- "I have employees who use that word all the the time..." You never really had more that 3 or 4 Black folks out of about 25 staffers, so is he saying that his white bartenders are using the N-word too?
- "I hear your people say it all the time.." as to imply it should be ok for him to say it regardless of context.
If you dont believe me, just listen to these snippets from a recorded conversation with someone who talked to him about this issue...
You will not get off easy for this Palchick, I wanted to believe that he was being sincere, but he was only telling us what he wanted us to hear to get off of his back. While some of you may disagree and have disbelief, I will continue to stand my ground and I demand a public apology or FBar will be boycotted.
There have been several moments that people have sought me out to give me information about FBar a local Houston club and its owner Irwin Palchick regarding alleged accusations of racism. This club is an LGBT staple in the Montrose area which has made a killing in revenue off the Black community and stands to make more in the coming week when Houston Splash takes full effect. Every time these sources contacted me, I asked for proof of racism... And I got it.
*the statements and content in this post are alleged and have not been confirmed as true*
In the era of Trump, this recording comes as no surprise to see or hear things like this. I met Irwin long before there was an FBar and it is his voice. PERIOD. While I will not reveal my source(e), it is clear that someone was close enough to record him in action. I will be fully transparent and make in known that more than this audio file was sent, I have obtained documents that show a (now settle out of court?) law suit filed by the family of Juan Carlos Ramirez and other bad business dealings. To be honest, this is the time that hold white folks to the fire and stop giving them our hard earned money. I refuse to patronize someone who calls me a nigger.
Dear Mayor Taylor,
It came to my attention that at a recent forum you had this to say:
“Since you’re with the Christian Coalition, I’ll go ahead and put it out there that to me, it’s broken people. People not being in a relationship with their creator and therefore not being in a good relationship with their families and their communities and not being productive members of society.”
What is it with my fellow Black people who happen to be elected officials? Between you and quite a few others, I am not sure that you are for everyone that you claim to represent, not making statements like this! Do you realize that you have direct hand in poverty as the current Mayor of a major city? Instead, you scapegoat it on people who do great work without the need for a god to inspire them to do good deeds. I AM a Black Atheist who happens to be gay and remembers how you threw the LGBT community in your city under the bus with your "no" vote against a proposed nondiscrimination ordinance. In both instances (The NDO and recent statement) you referenced your christian background, but what the hell happened to SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE?
I cannot begin to describe the dismay that I feel at the fact that people like you want to lead while discarding people like me in the process. For my Atheism, I make no apologies to you or those who may be offended. The idea of a 'higher power" causes me just as much cognitive dissonance as a believer who might be reading my words regarding what they believe in. I do not live to disavow or disprove the existence of a god, I simply do not care to attack one's beliefs and I demand that you not question my existence or my humanity.
I most definitely see religion and deity as separate, and in my view religion is a means of social control and domination for those who are in control of governments and other institutions that are used to govern the masses. HOWEVER, I am not running around saying directly that christianity is the root cause of poverty. Now if we were to check the receipts of christian politicians, we will find that they do the MOST harm to impoverished communities. In fact, poverty has expanded because of people like you and to make things worse, you are cooning. Yep I said it, coon. Most people in poverty in Texas are Black and all you can think about is your damn sky daddy and how a relationship with him/it will suddenly improve one's life chances.
Atheism - is the rejection of belief in the existence of deities.In a narrower sense, atheism is specifically the position that there are no deities.Most inclusively, atheism is the absence of belief that any deities exist. Atheism is contrasted with theism, which, in its most general form, is the belief that at least one deity exists.
Being an Atheist almost, always leads to a line of questioning where folks like to challenge one on his or her morality. Do we know right from wrong? Yes, we do. we don't need some figure to guide us down a path of righteousness. Let me be clear, I know my know right from wrong. Doing the right thing should not come with the idea or promise of reward from some non existent being for good deeds. You and people like you lose your minds when one is unapologetically an Atheist. You call anyone different from you wicked, AS IF you were vested with power of never ending knowledge and judgment. Like your Wednesday/Sunday shit don't stank!
You christians (ones like you, Mayor Taylor) are the wicked ones, YOU are the Broken ones and you don't get to choose who people should and shouldn't be. You are the reason, CHRISTIANS, YOU are the reason this world is so fucked up. Seek help, because the white man has got you believing that Jesus is real, he was effective when he beat it into us during slavery. It is sad that you really believe that some "God sent his son into this sinful world to die for" us "and so that we might have a chance at eternal life..." don't you? Fuck that, how is this the reason for you to be good? Quoting scriptures like "Philippians 4:13 - For I can do everything through Christ,[a] who gives me strength," chosen for you by some mediocre ass white men!
Ashton P. Woods
Yesterday Shea Moisture created a firestorm with its new ad campaign that only used white and light skinned models and their apology gave even more pause...
When they finally apologized they released this whitewashed and erasive apology:
"Wow, okay – so guys, listen, we really f-ed this one up. Please know that our intention was not – and would never be – to disrespect our community, and as such, we are pulling this piece immediately because it does not represent what we intended to communicate. You guys know that we have always stood for inclusion in beauty and have always fought for our community and given them credit for not just building our business but for shifting the beauty landscape. So, the feedback we are seeing here brings to light a very important point. While this campaign included several different videos showing different ethnicities and hair types to demonstrate the breadth and depth of each individual’s hair journey, we must absolutely ensure moving forward that our community is well-represented in each one so that the women who have led this movement never feel that their hair journey is minimized in any way. We are keenly aware of the journey that WOC face – and our work will continue to serve as the inspiration for work like the Perception Institute’s Good Hair Study/Implicit Association Test that suggests that a majority of people, regardless of race and gender, hold some bias towards women of color based on their textured or natural hair. So, you’re right. We are different – and we should know better.
Thank you all, as always, for the honest and candid feedback. We hear you. We’re listening. We appreciate you. We count on you. And we’re always here for you. Thank you, #SheaFam, for being there for us, even when we make mistakes. Here’s to growing and building together…"
Anyone who knows me, knows that using the phrases women, men, people, person "OF COLOR" when having direct conversations about Blackness is erasure in my opinion....
The term "People" or "Person of Color" is a dangerous trap for several reasons that I will outline in this post. In my opinion, the first reason that this phrase is problematic, is that it is used out of context on a regular basis. When it is important to say the specific race of a group or individual, folks say POC instead of saying Black or (insert race here) and that is problematic. A great example is last year during the endorsement meeting for The Caucus in Houston, a question was posed with the intention to ask if any Black folks were on the screening committee for the Mayor's race. The well intentioned response from one of the Black board members is that "there were no POC" that screened in that race, we knew they meant Black, but it may have been better if that was stated instead of POC.
Person of color: (plural: people of color, persons of color, sometimes abbreviated POC) is a term used primarily in the United States to describe any person who is not white. The term encompasses all non-white groups, emphasizing common experiences of racism.
When us Black folk refer to ourselves as a POC in a Predominantly White space, it contributes to the
erasure that we fight so hard to rid ourselves of. Might I suggest that when we are talking about issues specific to us as Black folk, we say Black or African American. Think of it on the same
premise of using "I" statements. This erasure is also very real as it pertains to predominantly White spaces like conferences, organizations and even campuses. Netroots' conference last year is a great example of what erasure looks like. Literally, almost every session pertaining to race had the label POC and it came off as, "we know you want issues of race addressed, but we will put you all together in one space and let you hash the issues out on your own." When these scenarios take place, there is a tendency for a group or person to feel oppressed because everyone is clamoring to talk about issues specific to their race, someone gets left out.
I wonder if predominantly White organizations, institutions and etc are doing this on purpose in hopes that we will fight amongst ourselves. Especially when the example of Netroots brings back the memory of having to leave the main space to go to Blackroots during lunch, which was held at a local Phoenix community center and organized by great people like Tia Oso and so many other great friends that I made. The who thing about Blackroots is that Netroots rejected any proposals with the specific intention to center Black voices in a designated space. In doing so, the issues of immigration as it pertains to Black bodies had to be discussed of site, we were erased. How much, and how often is this happening at these events and campuses that portray themselves to be progressive and liberal, which somehow falsely exempts them from being called on their White privilege and racism. Anyway, I ran across a video on Youtube that speaks to this issue, it was posted by this great person who goes by QueerAsCatt in the final days of 2015:
"i’ve long since had issues with how some people, specifically white people, repeatedly misuse the term “People of Color” (aka “POC”). at long last i’m finally putting my frustrations into words in the hope of bringing awareness to these issues.
in the interest of being as brief as possible, in this video i've summarize my issues regarding white people’s usage of this term into two points:
1. treating POC as if they are a homogeneous group of people. ( @00:29 ~ )
2. treating whiteness as if it is the default not only in one's own country, but internationally. ( @4:12 ~ )
obviously when people who consider themselves to be allies to POC make such mistakes the mistakes are honest ones with no ill intent behind them. however, that does not change the fact that mistakes are being made and that these mistakes should be corrected.
if you consider yourself to be an ally to people of color, please watch this video and be open to rethinking your usage of “people of color.”
Let me put it another way, in 2013 Janani wrote a piece for Black Girl Dangerous entitled "What’s Wrong With the Term ‘Person of Color’." In this snippet from the piece, she addresses being non Black, non Indigenous & Non White:
"...As an identifier, ‘person of color’ can be slippery for a lot of politicized, non-Black, non-indigenous, non-White people in the US, for 2 reasons:
1) US/Western imperialism is so widespread that it even imposes its ways of doing racism on the rest of the world, and on people of color. For example, my family is upper caste, and that caste position is partly what enabled our immigration to the US. It also means that we’re lighter-skinned South Asians (read: closer to Aryan British colonizers). Using the term ‘POC’ as my identifier rather than ‘South Asian’ or ‘Desi’ means I never unpack these non-Western racial systems that are also at play.
2) Many of our communities have benefited variously from racism. South Asian communities I’ve been involved in use antiblack racism as one strategy of assimilation. Because as White people have established, the easiest way to shore up your racial supremacy is to be antiblack, displayed in everything from microaggressions to employment discrimination to violence. We know that people of color can be racist towards each other. What I’m saying is that many of us also reap systematic advantages from the racist attitudes and structures that are held by our entire communities.
How do we, as politicized people of color, acknowledge the very limits of the term ‘people of color’ and the way it can mask our actual racial situations? For example, why do we keep using the phrase ‘communities of color’ as targets of police and state violence when we primarily mean Black and Latino folks? What races are we trying to contain in the word ‘brown’? Why are we afraid to point to the specificities of racism? Do we think it will divide us? Do we think we are really not capable of understanding and working from the different ways we experience racism?"
We all should use the term in context and make sure it is relevant to the conversations and settings involved, or you will be contributing to your own erasure. We should also check people when they are using it to silence us, disrupt it, take over the spaces...
NOTE: This week marks one year since I came out about my experience of being sexually assaulted and it was hard to share for various and obvious reasons. be warned that this post may trigger some readers out there, it still triggers me! Still, the truth must be told...
I, Rape Survivor, proclaim that men do get raped, I know this because I was raped. You read that right, and I make no apologies to those who may be offended. Today, I am breaking my silence and coming forward with my story of survival...
The first time someone attempted to sexually assault me, I was just turning 16 and homeless in the streets of New Orleans. I was hanging outside of one of the bars on Rampart (in the French Quarter) and I was starving. To make a long story short, I met a guy and simply asked if I could crash at his place and for food. Thinking that he would be a good samaritan, I got into his car, we went to a fast food restaurant near his house and got food. What happened next made me feel uneasy, he had me to sit in his kitchen and watch him cut the hamburger he purchased in half. I had a terrible feeling as he walked over and handed me half of the burger with the knife still in his hand. "you can have the other half of the burger when we are done fucking." As I refused his advance, he slapped the burger out of my hand and inched closer with the knife. I stood up and continued to refuse and he grabbed me, and he said "Get the fuck out of my house." As small as this may seem, it prepared me for something much worse...
Rape - is a type of sexual assault usually involving sexual intercourse or other forms of sexual penetration perpetrated against a person without that person's consent.
As few months later, I spent the night by this guy who I built some trust with, I needed somewhere to lay my head and food on my stomach. He cooked, we watched tv with his friends and after his friends left he made space for me to sleep on his day bed. The last thing that I remember is the smell of italian food and being extremely tired before I went into a deep sleep. I woke up to shockwaves of pain as I lay in a headlock. The smell of blood and spit hit my nose as I blacked out from the pain. It was only a timespan of seconds that I was out, when I came to, lying paralyzed with pain and fear, I could feel him thrust violently as he ejaculated inside of me. I felt the explosion of his cum and the simultaneous bite to my back as he pulled out. I can remember leaving with my clothes in my hand, scared to talk to the police. Who is gonna believe a man raped another man?! It was the first time that a man penetrated me, I didn't even feel human after that, I never spoke about it until now.
Survivor -1. a person or thing that survives. 2. Law. the one of two or more designated persons, as joint tenants or others having a joint interest, who outlives the other or others. 3. a person who continues to function or prosper in spite of opposition, hardship, or setbacks.
Until now, even after the exposure to all of the acceptance for those who have come forward with their truths. Society at large is problematic when it comes to male on male rape, it is laughed at and therefore, a closet exists. A closet where Black gay men dwell until they have the capacity and strength to speak their truth. We hide to avoid the questions of how and why, we hide to avoid answering the questions about whether or not we led our Villains on. Being a male rape survivor tends bring about a line of questioning where folks like to challenge one on his morality. I, rape survivor, will continue to speak out for those very reasons, until the closet is destroyed, until we get to a place where we don't have worry about someone shaming us and experiencing unnecessary judgement. Where responding with chastisement about how something could have been done differently to avoid rape will be frowned upon. The time has come that we should no longer stand for being shamed, ashamed and being made to feel less than human. I, rape survivor am comfortable enough to do what needs to get done and say what needs to be said. I, rape survivor will speak out because WE EXIST.
Ashton P. Woods
When we speak or post about you and whiteness in any venue, especially social media, it really isn't intended for you to share or express your opinion about the subject matter. Seemingly, you appear to have this need, a need to have a say, to give permission in order for our Black words and thoughts to have weight. The FACT is that your opinion is not the one that matters, we say what we say without need of your acceptance or approval. Our posts, blogs and other expressions regarding our experiences with you (even this one) are not an invitation for you to opine a counter argument. What y'all like to do is spew vitriol, show your fragility and tell us how we should view our experiences. You don't get to tell us how we process the experiences of our blackness and you can keep that white gaze bullshit to yourself. We did not give you permission to defend yourselves to us. We really don't want to hear it, you don't get come talking that "not all white people" bullshit while trying to claim acceptance of our experience with your racist ass counterparts.
"I accept your views and all. But there is a way to deliver it. Quite frankly, truth also hurts that black people kill each other all the time and never flinch. But when white people do it, we're all supposed to feel guilty? It doesn't work like that." - Random Becky
A lot of you whites think that you "accept" our thoughts that we share, but you really don't! You spew micro-aggressions by pointing out shit like the Black on Black crime myth while still feeling like YOU somehow have a right to our bodies and minds, to give us permission. You like to think that you are more intelligent than us, but your mediocrity always shines through when you use terms and phrases coined from your white gaze. Take the example of Black on Black crime that y'all like to lean on so much, it is actually called intra - racial crime and pretty much occurs at the same rate across racial groups. But I digress, for too long we've had to go along with what white folks have told us about who we were, are, and should be. Because of this need to tell us who we should be (you know, for your comfort) tone policing and gas lighting have become tools to protect your white privilege.
- Gas-lighting -
To manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.
- Tone Policing -
When arguments produced in an angry tone are dismissed irrespective of the legitimacy of the argument.
Tell me the last time you went into white only spaces an attempted to correct your cohorts like you attempt to do in black spaces. You don't get to tell us how we should speak about an issue, you don't get to tone police us. You don't get to gaslight us. NO, You don't get a say on how we say or do anything. You are being told NO, and you probably should have gotten used to it years ago. Unfortunately your whiteness is set up in a way that being told no is not a viable option for you. Permission was never granted for you to walk into our personal places, spaces, and bubbles to reach out touch us in ways that violate us. Yet, in your whiteness you will claim that you acted out of "curiosity" and will act as if said curiosity is what gave you permission. This claim of curiosity will get you into a world of trouble, as you should be warned that we ain't and won't be peaceful when you violate us. White allies are guilty of this, especially when it comes to spaces and tone policing. Even the BEST White allies/accomplices tend to overstep with their solidarity. White folks get over zealous in their support and when this happens they start speaking when we should speak for ourselves.
"What I do know is white people will protect themselves before saving or protecting Black lives. yes, even the anti racist white people." - Patrisse Khan-Cullors
Stop trying to lead in this movement in a way that centers you, the movements of the marginalized are not your movements, you play a support role. The Black Lives Matter movement is not yours. You don't deserve the attention, the Black people you support deserve that. Do not speak for us when we can speak for ourselves, we don't need a translator so that your white cohorts can understand. Stop saying "us" and "we," when you post and speak about issues that directly affects/effects the Black community. You don't know what it is to be part of the Black diaspora. You are needed in the spaces where you don't normally see Black folks or even in spaces where we are not welcome, that is when you you speak up. Then after you speak up, bring a Black person into the space so we can speak for ourselves. I could say more, but I have given this too much attention...
Ashton P. Woods